THOSE 'SOUR' SORRYS

 My young-mother years sometimes required settling sibling disagreements. This often ended by my requiring brother and sister to apologize face-to-face in the hall between their rooms. Whatever else could be credited (certainly the Lord's help!), I'm grateful they grew up to be good friends and responsible citizens!

Spats between young children are inevitable as they learn to navigate life. What has saddened me are the apologies (of sorts) I've experienced from adults who, it seems, had too much “save face” blocking the path of genuine repentance. Their replies went like this: “Sorry I got mad at you, but I was having a bad day.” Or, “Sorry to offend you. I didn't mean to set you off.”

I call them “Sour Sorrys” and they are nothing new. One Biblical example: Saul, a tall, handsome guy who had a good start (at least from the “looks” of it) to be Israel's first king. But as his royal life softened with extra wives and servants, fame went to his head. He got so jealous of David, God's choice for the next king (instead of Saul's son), that he repeatedly sent assassins David's way. One time, he asked that they capture David alive—at home in bed--so Saul could have the honor of killing David himself!

Then Saul sent the men back to see David [after David had escaped one assassination attempt] and told them, 'Bring him up to me in his bed so that I may kill him.' (1 Samuel 19:15)

Like, how low can you go?

A little later, Saul's anger toward an elusive David caught up. One hot day, while combing the desert to find and kill David, Saul went into a cave “to relieve himself” (1 Samuel 24:3), probably meaning he needed a quick, private "rest stop" in the coolness of the cave. Saul didn't know David was in the same cave, and could have quickly killed him. Instead, David chose the higher road of not harming the king.

This is when I turn to Psalm 63, one of many that David is believed to have written during his lonely, scary time as a wilderness refugee before becoming king himself. The psalm has this preface: “A psalm of David, when he was in the desert of Judah.” As a shepherd, David knew how to survive in the parched, dirty desert without today's “cool-packs,” cell phones and camper snacks. But he also had a God who was watching him. He expressed it in this psalm:

O Lord, you have searched me and you know me....You discern my going out and my lying down; You are familiar with all my ways....(Psalm 139:1, 3)

This psalm and the one preceding it bring me hope and comfort when I deal with those who can't say “sorry” from the heart. Who can't honestly admit, “God has shown me my sins against you” nor name at least a few of them as part of the apology. Instead, they revert to “save-face” admissions—some of which we've seen in recent high-profile crime cases.

“Sorry” has become such a feeble word. It's more than “sorry, excuse me,” like when you try to avoid smashing someone's feet or purse-slugging heads when you're moving down a row of chairs to an empty seat. For deep emotional and spiritual hurts, just saying “sorry” is like a band-aid on an open surgical wound. Old Testament Hebrew has several words for “sorry,” including one whose meaning includes the idea of sighing or breathing strongly, such as when the words one needs to say are painful to get out. That's intense “sorry.”

Sadly, when we are wronged, we won't always hear a genuine “sorry” (with sorrow, from which we get our word “sorry”) from the offender. But God knows our anxious thoughts (Psalm 139:23) and hasn't stopped His intention to “lead [us] in the way everlasting” (v. 24). And that includes resolving differences...His holy way.

Humblin' history made here

It happened here—a hall corner between my daughter’s and son’s bedrooms--where I tried to “train up” my children in the way they should go regarding relationships. Proverbs 22:15 says, “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.” I didn’t get out a “discipline rod” to resolve petty arguments, but I did use “time out” in their bedrooms before coming to this spot in the hall to apologize and ask forgiveness.  At times their hugs and “sorry’s” were quite wooden, but I trusted that this discipline would reinforce truths about living God’s way. They grew up to be responsible adults with many friends.

As I thought recently about “apologies,” three powerful Bible examples came to mind.
Insincere apologies—“Sorry you had a problem about it....” As King Saul geared up for a major battle at Gilgal, he had a problem. The prophet Samuel told him to wait a week for Samuel to come and offer the proper pre-battle sacrifices. When Day 7 arrived with no Samuel in sight,  Saul panicked and performed the sacred “sacrifice” of animals himself. An appalled Samuel showed up just as Saul finished. Saul’s excuse was full of “I” words, ending, “I felt compelled to offer the burnt offering” (1 Samuel 13:12). Samuel scolded him: “You acted foolishly.”  From then on, Saul’s days as king were numbered. 

Cover-up apologies—“Sorry I messed up, but don’t make me look bad.” A few chapters later, the prophet Samuel told Saul to completely destroy the Amalekites: people, cattle, sheep, camels and donkeys. But Saul and soldiers disobeyed, keeping some of the animal “booty.” Plus, Saul put up a prideful monument in his own honor! When Samuel came and heard all the noises of the Amalekite livestock, he condemned Saul for not following the orders for annihilation. Samuel declared:

To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams. For rebellion is like the sin of divination, and arrogance like the evil of idolatry. (1 Samuel 15:22b-23a)
Saul’s reaction: “I have sinned.  But please honor me before the elders of my people and before Israel” (v. 30).  (Read that again! The nerve of it floors me!) 

Sincere apologies—“I have sinned against the Lord” (2 Samuel 12:13). King David succumbed to lust, committing adultery with a married woman. Learning he got her pregnant, he arranged to have her husband killed in the heat of battle. He tried to hide his secret until the prophet Nathan pulled a confession out of him. The best mirror for David’s confession of this incident is his Psalm 51:

“Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight” (Psalm 51:4)

I see these applications for today:

Insincere apologies—The pouty “s-o-r-r-y” which tries to appease an offended person.

Cover-up apologies—The insincere “s-o-r-r-y” that says, “Sorry, you don’t agree with me, but I had to do it.  It’s all about me, after all.”

Sincere apologies—The humble “I am so sorry” that expresses: “God has convicted me of my sin in (description of offense). I was wrong and know I have sinned against you. Could you find it in your heart to forgive me and give me a second chance?  I want to obey God in every way, and this struggle is part of my journey to a life of pleasing God.” 

True, life-changing “I’m sorry” goes along with growing in Christ.  It’s the real thing because the Real Thing is just ahead. Someday, instead of standing in the hall between siblings’ bedrooms, we’ll kneel before the throne of Almighty God. He has seen every single action of our lives, and judges rightly and righteously—even considering how we have said, “I’m sorry.”