PLUS OR MINUS

I keep this uplifting magnet (a friend's gift)
on a metal surface near my desk. 

When our land-line phone rang one ordinary morning, my "hello" was answered by three words: “I hate you!” After the initial shock, I recognized the voice. An awkward silence, then I replied, “I can tell this is a negative phone call, so I'm hanging up.” Within seconds the phone rang again. Guessing it was the same person with a history of this behavior, I chose to ignore the call rather than risk a frustrating conversation. But the caller had already wounded my spirit. I grabbed my car keys to do errands and get away from the phone. Tears came within the first block. Then, like a God-message, Biblical truths from an old hymn came to mind: “What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear.”

Years later, that hurtful memory resurfaced when I read David Seamands' Healing Grace: Let God Free You from the Performance Trap (Victor, 1988, p. 155). In one chapter he dealt with others' negative input in our lives—statements critical of our “being,” not of instructive corrections. In other words, put-downs that attack someone's character, like “I'm sick of you” or “You make me sick.” Or, as I heard, “I hate you.” In contrast are phrases like “I believe you can do this” or even “Thank you for helping me become my better self.” Psychologists who study “affirmation” have even come up with a formula for positive or negative strokes. It goes like this:

*A positive stroke for “doing” (something we did): one point.

*A positive stroke for “being” (what we are): ten points.

*A negative stroke for “doing”: minus ten points.

*A negative stroke for “being”: minus 100 points!

Yes, negative comments and put-downs are associated with a huge emotional debt. Negatives, Seamands wrote, “hurt us not simply on the outside, for our behavior, but they pierce right into the inside of us, where the concepts and feelings about ourselves originate.”

But I am blessed to also have affirming friends. I have saved some of their “blessing” notes reminding me that I am not what this other person claims. At times I considered tossing the notes—was it vain to keep them around?---but that inner voice said, “No, keep them, read them from time to time as a reminder that you are precious in God's sight.”

One used my name for an acrostic of positive qualities (see illustration at right--with its re-spelling of "generous"). Another wrote in an E-mail: “When I think of you, I think of a God- and people-loving woman: creative, musical, frugal, generous, intelligent, fun, funny, wise, scholar, widely-published and much more. When I think of you, I smile.” An older woman who took a writing class I taught handed me this note at the last session: “Your love for the Lord is right where I can see it.”

I share their notes to illustrate healing words. I also want my experience of pain and positives to show how words matter. All around us—especially, it seems, as a consequence of the fears and inconveniences of the pandemic-- are people who likely suffered recently from another's negative words. They need those positive strokes for “being” or “doing.” Your reaching-out might be the encouragement they need that day.

SHREDDED

One by one I fed the papers through the shredder—all from a file folder representing sadness and disappointment. I tend to have a “helper” personality, but this backfired when I tried to help someone who was deflecting their unhappiness and anger onto me. I'd saved the negative paper trail, trying to make sense of it, Finally, I realized the files had to go in order to help me “let go” of this problem that only God could solve.

Shredding deed done, I sensed the hug of God and the reminder that He would handle this a lot better than I had. Accusations and lies had pummeled my spirit and eroded my health. But I knew God's way was to say “no” to revenge and leave it to Him (Romans 12:17-19). “Forgiving does not mean not facing a problem,” Dr. Henry Cloud wrote in Integrity: The Courage to Meet the Demands of Reality (Harper, 2006, p. 195). “It means facing it and then letting it go.”

In his pastoral role to early churches, Peter also had to deal with suffering believers. He urged them to take the high road—not repaying evil with evil, or insult with insult (1 Peter 4:9). Retaliation wasn't in God's plan. Instead, they were told (and here Peter quoted Psalm 34):

Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are attentive to their prayer. (1 Peter 4:10-12a)

Even though I destroyed that negative correspondence, I take comfort that God has kept a record of my wounds and neediness. In Psalm 56, David reflected on how beat-up he felt as he tried to escape King Saul and ended up in Gath, home to the giant he had killed. Talk about unfriendly escape routes! “All day long they twist my words,” he cried out (56:5). After listing some other afflictions, David affirmed his faith that God saw the bigger picture when these enemies would be turned back:

By this I will know that God is for me. In God, whose word I praise—in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? (56:10-11)

How ironic, that words which “cut” me emotionally got “cut” so thoroughly. As I threw the shreds in the garbage, this verse from my very favorite book of the Bible came to mind:

Forgetting what is behind [like that now-shredded correspondence] and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. (Phil. 3:14)

TONGUE-TRIED

My little grandsons have lots of fun with these teeth! But what

an appropriate illustration of an out-of-control mouth.

When the genes that became “me” were assigned, I ended up with a small mouth. I know that’s frustrating when I go in for dental care because I’m constantly asked, “Open wider, please.” Usually I try to make light of it by saying I’m sorry I don’t have the oral width of comedian Carol Burnett—and yes, I strain to “open wider.” It’s just part of how I was “knit together” after conception.

Sadly, my “open wider” dental requests sometimes remind me of a time years ago when somebody mocked that part of my body. I was living for a few months with two other single women. I was thankful to be able to rent their extra bedroom, but we just never got close.  They did come one time to my church, where I sang in the choir. Later, emptying the garbage, I came across a church bulletin from that visit. On it, one of them had written, “She hardly opens her mouth to sing.” That stung. I simply have a small mouth, and with it I do my best to make a “joyful noise.”  I didn’t say anything to them about the note, but that mean criticism was hard to shake.

That wasn’t the only time when someone wounded me with harsh, unfair or untrue words. In some cases, it was someone with a mental illness, and I asked the Lord to help me put that perspective on it. I would pray for them—admittedly, half-heartedly, because they didn’t see themselves as mean. Then somebody brought my attention to Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount: “”Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me” (Matthew 5:11). If I am truly trying to follow Christ and represent Him to my world, it’s not about me, it’s about Him.

I gained another perspective from a devotional book I’ve been reading that collects writings from godly men and women leaders of the past. This devotion excerpted from the writings of Guigo I (1083-1136), who corresponded with Bernard of Clairvaux. Little is known about his life, but this counsel survived the centuries:

It is a good thing to pray for anyone who confesses and asks for forgiveness.  It is even better to pray for someone who does not yet feel guilty about anything. Ask God to help them notice their sin.  And pray also for those who know they are guilty but will not admit it.  Maybe they are ashamed. Maybe they are actually enjoying their guilt.  Ask God to help them.*

I lost touch with my “small mouth” roommates after that year of sharing a house. But I’m grateful for the reminders God sends me to watch my own mouth. Most important: that I keep a heart tender toward His will for my behavior. Reading proverbs on a regular basis helps with that, with verses like these:

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Put away perversity from your mouth; keep corrupt talk far from your lips. (Proverbs 4:23-24)

When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise. The tongue of the righteous is choice silver. (10:19)

The lips of the righteous nourish many, but fools die for lack of judgment (10:21)


*Bernard Bangley, compiler, Near to the Heart of God: Daily Readings from the Spiritual Classics (Wheaton: Shaw Publishers, 1998), entry for August 17.

Trash talk

Oh, my, I thought as I listened to students in the busy halls of our town’s local high school. The air was blue—or should I say black?—with crude slang and irreverent uses of God’s name.  I felt sad for Christian teens, who had to live with that every day. I have the same sad-and-angry reaction in various public places when I heard language that disrespected or demeaned people or my Lord.  And then the pointing finger turned around.  Had I ever sinned with my mouth? Had I  verbalized thoughts fit only for the trash?

I appreciated how Priscilla Shirer dealt with that problem in her book The Resolution for Women (B&H, 2011). She quoted Luke 6:45 (Amplified):

For out of the abundance (overflow) of the heart his mouth speaks.
Our mouths, she said, are “only a barometer” that divulge whether we’re “immersed in humility or surrendered in obedience to the Lord.” What we say can also reveal if we’re “housing a malnourished spirit that stubbornly refuses to yield to the wisdom of God’s own Word.” A condensed version of her tests for a troubled mouth:

*Quick to offer opinions in any conversations?  Shows: haughtiness, need to impress or be at the center of attention.

*Constantly critical or demeaning? Shows: insecurity or uncertainty about your inherent value; angry, judgmental heart.
*Quarrel with spouse or divisive with others? Shows: lack of deep peace, need for Christ’s grace in strengthening relationships.
*Gossipy? Shows: failure to see troubled people as needing support, prayer, companionship.
*Negative (doubtful, skeptical) outlook? Shows: failure to trust God’s ability to handle wisely the details and timing of your life.

In all of these, the heart is a reservoir—a holding tank of the essence of who we are. The words that spill out reveal who we really are. If you’re a “PEW” person (Perfect in Every Way), you can stop reading right now.  If not, consider the trash can. It’s not just about cursing or variations of God’s name used like punctuation. It’s about controlling the tongue so it’s an “instrument of His peace.”  Or, as Proverbs 12:18 says:

The tongue of the wise brings healing.