Seven Habits of Effective Friend-Seekers

The electronic wizardry that allows me to post a blog on the internet has a behind-the-curtain feature that tells me how many have viewed a certain blog entry. The top two for this blog include “Give and Take: A Guide to Friendship” (January 10, 2011) and a humorous takeoff on a bestselling book, “Seven Habits of Highly Distracted People” (June 8, 2010). I’ve concluded that readers wanted something practical and something fun. This week I’m combining some practical suggestions for friendship with some, well, “whiskered wisdom.”

We’d taken our cat to the vet for treatment of a badly infected paw. Now, restricted to the indoors and doomed to wear the hated head cone to curb his licking the wound, he perched in the window with a dejected slump. If it’s possible to read cat body language, his said, “I hate my life. Nobody likes me.”

I’ve long heard the saying, “A dog is a man’s best friend.” But cats don’t quite fit the dog mold. Most dogs (some exceptions—like the dog that bit me!) communicate by licks and tail-wags, “I want to be your best buddy.” Cats, on the other hand, are famously aloof. Ours turns his back on us, ignoring our “kitty-kitty” calls unless he gets a whiff of his favorite cat food. His mouth is a permanent frown and his only clues of pleasure are purring and digging his claws into us when we brush him.

If human instead of feline, our cat would find challenges making friends. Maybe that’s why his neighborhood “playmates”(rather, war-mates) are bad-mannered cats I’ve nicknamed “Pancho Villa” and “Ho Chi Minh.” When he comes in from territorial wanderings, life is all about him: feed me, brush me, let me sleep.

It’s the “all about me” mentality that often hampers people from making friends. Instead, friendship requires some deliberate and sometimes risky steps. The how-to resources abound--from “wiki-how” articles, to books, to the thousands of booklets about making friends sold by columnist “Dear Abby.” Their advice condenses to this simple phrase: It’s not about me, it’s about others. We can’t expect people to walk up to us and say, “I want to be your best friend forever.” It’s a back-and-forth effort that takes some basic social skills. Among the top seven:

1. Spend time around people. We’re not cats, who shut out the world for 13-16 hours a day sleeping. We simply need to be around people, not stay at home in solitary activities. That may mean attending a church, volunteering, or joining a club, sports team or music group—something where you can interact with people. Muster the courage to say to someone, “I’m new around here. My name is…”

2. Smile with eye contact. Remember, cats have permanent frowns and tend to turn away. People, on the other hand, have the ability to raise the sides of their mouths into a smile (or downturn them to a stare or frown). A smile and eye contact communicate, “I feel okay about myself, and I want to know about you.” Frowns are turnoffs. One writer remarked that the expression on one’s face is the greatest asset or liability. So is body language--for example, crossed arms that communicate unhappiness and defensiveness. Believe the best of people—that, given the chance, they would respond to your desire to connect.

3. Initiate a conversation. The mundane things of life, like the weather, are always a starter: “What a storm we had yesterday!” From there, move toward information questions: “How long have you come here?” “What is your profession?” “Did you grow up around here?” If you need practice in casual conversation, greet the clerks where you shop. (Make sure there aren’t gazillion people in line behind you!) Ask questions like, “How’s your day going?” “I suppose you’ve seen a lot of that sale chicken on your conveyor belt.” Compliment them: “You processed my order so efficiently.” A shy kid growing up, I had to learn this skill—and my first job as a newspaper reporter put me on the fast track for learning how to talk to people!

4. Learn the person’s name, and tell yours. Dale Carnegie, famed for his 15-million-copy bestseller “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” said that a person’s name is the sweetest and most important sound in any language. (Our cat knows nothing about this. He comes to calls of “Augie,” “Booboo” and “Slug.”) Figure out a way to remember a person’s name--silly mental connections permitted: “Bob bobs his head up and down when he talks,” or “Kathy is chatty.”

5. Be a good listener. Talk about their interests. Ask leading questions—ones that require a full sentence, not “yes” or “no.” Make the other person feel important. Don’t forget eye contact. Imagine watching yourself via hidden camera. Do you have habits that are annoying? One woman kept fiddling with her hair. I got the message that her split ends were more important to her than our conversation. And obviously, at the “acquaintance” level, resist dominating a conversation with your problems.

6. Expand your own topics of conversation. Become a well-rounded person—one who keeps learning, has a passion about a cause, and isn’t afraid to take on a challenge. Remember the sorry state of our cone-headed cat, who waddles around dejectedly because his vision and whiskers are restricted. If the person is excited about an area you don’t know much about, say something like, “That fascinates me. How did you get into that hobby/line of work?

7. Move into quality time together. After a few no-pressure encounters, if you’re drawn to this person (and they seem interested in you), offer to get together. Be the initiator. Meet at a neutral place (like a coffee house) or do an activity in a public place, like going walking. If a friendship progresses, you’ll sense the timing for more—like a group potluck meal, game night or video. If someone seems reluctant to take the friendship further, let go of your expectations, and reach out to others.

Between leaving home after high school and marriage (bringing me to my current home), I went through ten transitions where I had to establish new friendships. Although I never analyzed just how to do it, all of these principles came into play. Each time of seeking friends meant a deliberate effort of mingling with people and focusing on them until the ones who shared my values floated to the top. Interestingly, I had friends in many age groups, particularly women older and wiser than me. I learned from all, finding true this scriptural premise: “As iron sharpens iron, so one man [or woman!] sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17).

Another lesson from Mr. Cone-Head Cat: resist the tunnel vision that says, “Nobody wants to be my friend.” Think of friendships as concentric circles: acquaintances at the outer rim, better-known friends toward the middle, and deep, abiding friends at the core. Each level of friendship takes courage, effort and a lot of face-to-face time to develop. But the journey toward finding people you can truly care about is worth it.