Give and Take: A Guide to Friendship

Photo: The wall of my office where I have a display of "friendship"-related sayings--daily reminders that friendship is both a gift and responsibility.

A reader of the Dec. 1 blog, "In praise of Girrll-friends," expressed her desire to have such close relationships, but how? My best answer, as trite as it seems, is that to gain friends, you must be a friend. We need to take the initiative in getting to know people on non-threatening turf, like group activities--even if we need to set those events up ourselves. Friendships begin in shared experiences, like volunteering together, having a pizza-and-video night, walking a nature trail together. I know of some friends who go to yard sales together! One time I stopped at a local eat-in bakery, I noticed a group of older women having a great time together at two corner tables. They keep their friendships growing over coffee and a sweet roll.

As I pondered how to encourage this person, I thought of an article I wrote several years ago. Below is what first appeared in Pursuit in Spring 1992, titled, "Give and Take: A Guide to Friendship." I know it's lengthy but hope you'll read to the end of it, and find something to encourage you.

I was midway through a mundane Saturday morning when the phone rang. “Hi, this is Char,” came my friend’s voice from 250 miles away. The morning’s dullness dissipated as we chatted. Moving away usually takes a heavy toll on friendships. Belong long, once-close friends are reduced to sparse greetings at Christmas. But sometimes there are long-time friends like Char, to whom I am bonded by common struggles. She is nearing 40 and single; I didn’t marry until 34. Thirteen years after my mother died of cancer, hers also died that way. We write and call. When she stops on business trips, she’s once again “family.” One time she gave our then-small children a stuffed toy lamb from New Zealand, named “Lamby-kins.” When our kids grew up and pared down their huge collection of stuffed animals, Lamby-kins was kept--so strong was the symbolic connection to her enduring friendship.

LEVELS OF FRIENDSHIP
Like favorite stuffed toys, friendships change with the ebb and flow of life. They vary in numbers and intensity. They would graph like a pyramid: many acquaintances at the base, a few closer friends in the middle, and a few, very close, at the top. Psychologists have estimated that the average person makes 500 to 2,500 acquaintances a year. These come from everyday contacts through leisure, work, or religious activities. Such people are friends only as their interests or memberships cross ours.

Deeper than “acquaintances” come “core friends.” We see these friends more regularly and usually know them by first name. We have 20 to 100 such friends from work, school, clubs, church, and the neighborhood. They may be relatives with whom we have only limited contact. They may be people we admire and seek out as “mentors” for a period of time. Finally, a person develops an average of one to seven “intimate friends.” These are people who, as one saying puts it, double our pleasure and divide our grief. We feel comfortable together even when we do nothing and share few words. It’s enough to have each other’s presence.

WHY WE NEED FRIENDS
“No man is an island, entire of itself,” wrote John Donne (1573-1631), long before psychologists started amassing the evidence that friends are essential to physical and emotional health. A study conducted over a nine-year period in California showed that people without a good network of relationships had more health problems and a mortality rate two to five times higher than others. Stress-related health problems seemed to increase as a person had fewer friends and relatives to help him cope. In line with these findings, other studies showed:
*Pregnant women under stress, without supportive relationships, had three times more complications than those with a support network.
*The divorced and widowed had a higher rate of disease, including terminal cancer.
*Unemployed men who had a good support from family and friends reported less depression, fewer illnesses, and lower levels of cholesterol.
*Women who had a close friend to confide in were less prone to depression.

Friendship answers several deep human needs. These include the desire to be known, to give, to be encouraged, and to have someone to admire and follow. I experienced this as a single woman in my first job in a strange town. I felt very lonely and vulnerable. Then a widowed nurse 50 years my senior, whom I met at church, invited me to dinner. Learning of my unpleasant experiences in the local public laundry, she offered use of her washer and dryer. That grew to a weekly Friday night “date” to share our leftovers for dinner while I did my wash. My laundry money (left in a special piggy bank I bought her) gave her some extra change, but I benefited beyond price as I was nurtured, encouraged and mentored. I had friends my own age, too, but none as true and caring as this older woman.

Ironically, those deep human desires that draw us to one another in search of friendship also keep us from making friends. We want to be known, but we fear rejection if we are truly known. We want to give, but we fear being turned down. We want to be encouraged, but risk being despised. We want models, but wonder if they will fail us.

HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS
To make friends, we must be friends. We have to take that first step which takes the attention away from our own struggle with shyness and focuses attention on the other person. Friendship starts with going where there are people who share our values and interests. It begins with a smile and a greeting: “Hi, I’m John [or Jane]. I’ve not met you before.” Learn a person’s name right away—a person’s own name is the sweetest sound in his language. Say it several times in the first conversation. Use memory devices, if necessary. Offer your own as an ice breaker. A jolly, “ample” switchboard operator at work volunteered her own memory phrase, “Kelly with the big belly.” I never forgot that!

Keep the conversation focused on the other person. Ask open-ended questions about the other person’s work, schooling, or interests. This question often works for me: “How did you get interested in that field?” Finally, make them feel important. Encourage and admire them: “I’ve always appreciated the way nurses help ease the emotional pain.” “Without music teachers like you, we’d lose a precious part of our culture.” “I could use some hints from an experienced mother like you on helping my children keep their rooms clean.”

HOW TO KEEP FRIENDS
As these “casual” friendships deepen over time into “core” and “intimate” friends, they’ll need nurturing to continue. The acronym FRIEND is a good way to remember how to grow a friendship.
F—for FUN. Friends aren’t afraid to be crazy around each other. Margaret kidnapped Irene on her birthday and took her to a park. She set an old picnic table with china and candles, put a birthday hat on her friends, and served her a birthday breakfast with candles in the eggs.
R—for READY TO LISTEN. Rick was going through a divorce and needed to talk out his confusion and anxieties. His friend Tom assured Rick he could call any time the emotional baggage got too heavy. He did.
I—for INTERESTING. Iron sharpens iron, a proverb says, and so one person sharpens another. Janice’s love for great literature got Jamie into books that broadened her reading tastes. Mike helped John with a remodeling project, and realized he could handle a hammer after all.
E—for ENCOURAGING. Jenny’s out-of-town friend has a child with cancer. Regularly she writes “thinking of you” notes. When Ken wanted to change careers and go back to college, his friend slipped him a check as “seed money” for that goal.
N—for NOURISHING. A friend feeds the relationship by remembering dates and events that are uniquely “you.” He celebrates birthdays, births of children, and achievements. She brings over a meal when you’re sick or under pressure. He’s there with emotional support when a family member is injured or dies.
D—for DEPENDABLE. A friend is loyal and reliable. When Sue confides in Betty, she knows her secrets are safe. Norm has seen Joe at the worst in his addiction. He’s now seeking help and knows Norm will stay by him in the struggle. Howie’s personal and physical problems have distanced many people, but Andy remains true. When Howie needs a listener or an extra hand, he knows Andy will juggle his obligations to make time. Andy also does yard work for Howie’s widowed mother when Howie is away.

How many friends do we need? Ben Jonson (1572-1637) wrote, “True happiness consists not in the multitude of friends, but in the worth and choice.” Over a lifetime we’ll come in contact with thousands. But true friends will be there in our greatest need—and be glad they are. I met Peggy through church and our friendship grew during a commitment to exercise together. I knew she was becoming a true friend when she risked my giving her a home permanent!
One Mother’s Day morning she broke her foot. I felt privileged to be able to take her to the emergency room. When a cast put her in crutches for more than two months, I insisted on coming to help clean and do laundry. “Only a real friend can fold your underwear,” I teased. “Besides,” I added, nearly falling down her stairs one day as I helped, “I may need you when I break my hip!”

In Julius Caesar, Shakespeare wrote, “A friend should bear his friend’s infirmities.” In the cycles of friendship, we each will have a term of infirmities. A healthy friendship has give-and-take on both sides. But as we give, we take away something of immeasurable value: the joy of being part of something that really works.

First published in Pursuit (Spring 1992), Copyright © 1992 by Jeanne Zornes.
*Most names have been changed to protect privacy