PLUS OR MINUS

I keep this uplifting magnet (a friend's gift)
on a metal surface near my desk. 

When our land-line phone rang one ordinary morning, my "hello" was answered by three words: “I hate you!” After the initial shock, I recognized the voice. An awkward silence, then I replied, “I can tell this is a negative phone call, so I'm hanging up.” Within seconds the phone rang again. Guessing it was the same person with a history of this behavior, I chose to ignore the call rather than risk a frustrating conversation. But the caller had already wounded my spirit. I grabbed my car keys to do errands and get away from the phone. Tears came within the first block. Then, like a God-message, Biblical truths from an old hymn came to mind: “What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear.”

Years later, that hurtful memory resurfaced when I read David Seamands' Healing Grace: Let God Free You from the Performance Trap (Victor, 1988, p. 155). In one chapter he dealt with others' negative input in our lives—statements critical of our “being,” not of instructive corrections. In other words, put-downs that attack someone's character, like “I'm sick of you” or “You make me sick.” Or, as I heard, “I hate you.” In contrast are phrases like “I believe you can do this” or even “Thank you for helping me become my better self.” Psychologists who study “affirmation” have even come up with a formula for positive or negative strokes. It goes like this:

*A positive stroke for “doing” (something we did): one point.

*A positive stroke for “being” (what we are): ten points.

*A negative stroke for “doing”: minus ten points.

*A negative stroke for “being”: minus 100 points!

Yes, negative comments and put-downs are associated with a huge emotional debt. Negatives, Seamands wrote, “hurt us not simply on the outside, for our behavior, but they pierce right into the inside of us, where the concepts and feelings about ourselves originate.”

But I am blessed to also have affirming friends. I have saved some of their “blessing” notes reminding me that I am not what this other person claims. At times I considered tossing the notes—was it vain to keep them around?---but that inner voice said, “No, keep them, read them from time to time as a reminder that you are precious in God's sight.”

One used my name for an acrostic of positive qualities (see illustration at right--with its re-spelling of "generous"). Another wrote in an E-mail: “When I think of you, I think of a God- and people-loving woman: creative, musical, frugal, generous, intelligent, fun, funny, wise, scholar, widely-published and much more. When I think of you, I smile.” An older woman who took a writing class I taught handed me this note at the last session: “Your love for the Lord is right where I can see it.”

I share their notes to illustrate healing words. I also want my experience of pain and positives to show how words matter. All around us—especially, it seems, as a consequence of the fears and inconveniences of the pandemic-- are people who likely suffered recently from another's negative words. They need those positive strokes for “being” or “doing.” Your reaching-out might be the encouragement they need that day.

THE POWER OF A SHORT WALK

It seemed just the natural and right thing to do: walk my older visitor, Georgia, to her car as part of my “goodbye.” For one thing, I wanted to make sure she “arrived” at the car door safely. Though a careful driver, even in her late 80s, her legs weren't as reliable. The last thing I wanted was for her to take a misstep off our porch or in our driveway. So, I walked her to the car, chatting and encouraging her until I made sure she was in, buckled, and ready for me to shut the car door. Then we waved goodbye, the little cone on her antennae (which helped her find her car in a parking lot) bobbing in the wind as she left. When she passed away recently at 90, I'm glad those little "bye" treks are part of my memories of our friendship.

I didn't think much about that little courtesy before reading an excellent book by Dee Brestin, The Friendships of Women (Victor Books, 1980). I had the privilege of hearing her in person at a women's conference in 1999. This was the “wow” moment I got in reading her “friendships” book:

I have learned the most important moments of a friend's visit may occur when I take the trouble to walk her to her car. The very act of showing that I care enough to prolong the visit often releases from her a confidence or expression of love that we both treasure. If I'm not willing to create these parting scenes, then they slip between the cracks of time, never to be called in remembrance when remembrance is sorely needed.(p. 20)

Thinking back over my visiting friends, I realize it wasn't just the older ones whom I wanted safely “delivered” to their cars. It was, indeed, the friends whose visits, as Dee said, I “cared enough to prolong.” And as they left, I realized how blessed I was, to have such caring and genuine friends.

I've tried to make two other courtesies part of my friendship habits. One is remembering birthdays, even with just a card. If possible, it's one with loving humor or celebrating something on their list of “my favorite things.” My friend Karen, who loves snowy white owls, usually gets a card with that bird on the cover—and oh, I hunt all year for that! The other courtesy is to affirm someone's character via a note on a birthday card or in a friendship note or E-mail. You never know: it might be God's timing to defuse a negative experience or message that person recently experienced.

A walk to the car, a quick and affirming message. They require so little. They communicate so much.