PLUS OR MINUS

I keep this uplifting magnet (a friend's gift)
on a metal surface near my desk. 

When our land-line phone rang one ordinary morning, my "hello" was answered by three words: “I hate you!” After the initial shock, I recognized the voice. An awkward silence, then I replied, “I can tell this is a negative phone call, so I'm hanging up.” Within seconds the phone rang again. Guessing it was the same person with a history of this behavior, I chose to ignore the call rather than risk a frustrating conversation. But the caller had already wounded my spirit. I grabbed my car keys to do errands and get away from the phone. Tears came within the first block. Then, like a God-message, Biblical truths from an old hymn came to mind: “What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear.”

Years later, that hurtful memory resurfaced when I read David Seamands' Healing Grace: Let God Free You from the Performance Trap (Victor, 1988, p. 155). In one chapter he dealt with others' negative input in our lives—statements critical of our “being,” not of instructive corrections. In other words, put-downs that attack someone's character, like “I'm sick of you” or “You make me sick.” Or, as I heard, “I hate you.” In contrast are phrases like “I believe you can do this” or even “Thank you for helping me become my better self.” Psychologists who study “affirmation” have even come up with a formula for positive or negative strokes. It goes like this:

*A positive stroke for “doing” (something we did): one point.

*A positive stroke for “being” (what we are): ten points.

*A negative stroke for “doing”: minus ten points.

*A negative stroke for “being”: minus 100 points!

Yes, negative comments and put-downs are associated with a huge emotional debt. Negatives, Seamands wrote, “hurt us not simply on the outside, for our behavior, but they pierce right into the inside of us, where the concepts and feelings about ourselves originate.”

But I am blessed to also have affirming friends. I have saved some of their “blessing” notes reminding me that I am not what this other person claims. At times I considered tossing the notes—was it vain to keep them around?---but that inner voice said, “No, keep them, read them from time to time as a reminder that you are precious in God's sight.”

One used my name for an acrostic of positive qualities (see illustration at right--with its re-spelling of "generous"). Another wrote in an E-mail: “When I think of you, I think of a God- and people-loving woman: creative, musical, frugal, generous, intelligent, fun, funny, wise, scholar, widely-published and much more. When I think of you, I smile.” An older woman who took a writing class I taught handed me this note at the last session: “Your love for the Lord is right where I can see it.”

I share their notes to illustrate healing words. I also want my experience of pain and positives to show how words matter. All around us—especially, it seems, as a consequence of the fears and inconveniences of the pandemic-- are people who likely suffered recently from another's negative words. They need those positive strokes for “being” or “doing.” Your reaching-out might be the encouragement they need that day.

ON THE PLUS SIDE

What was that old saying, that a smile is just a frown turned around the right way? I agree, we've had plenty to frown about over the past year with the fears and horrors of the Covid-19 pandemic. As a “senior” with asthma, I have a target painted on my back (or is it the lungs?) for this scourge. At times, I get tired of all the confinement and precautions. But it's what we're called to do. Yet in the midst of all these negatives, there's another calling which might be called the “spiritual vaccination” for life's negatives. It's called “gratitude.”

I keep a file folder of “good stuff” I come across in my reading, thinking it might someday work into an article or blog. When cleaning off the desk lately (isn't everybody doing some sort of cleaning while confined?) I came across some wisdom about gratitude and having a positive attitude.

Gratitude begets gratitude, just as love begets love. So wrote the Dutch parish priest Henri J.M. Nouwen (1932-1996) in Life of the Beloved (Crossroads, 1992). He talked about working with institutionalized physically and mentally challenged people who had unfulfilled desires (like a life partner) and constant frustrations of needing assistance. Still, he said, they chose gratitude over bitterness. Little things meant a lot to them, like an invitation to dinner or being in community with people who offered friendship. In choosing gratitude over bitterness, they also inspired their caregivers. Nouwen added, “When we keep claiming the light we will find ourselves becoming more and more radiant. What fascinates me so much is that every time we decide to be grateful it will be easier to see new things to be grateful for. Gratitude begets gratitude, just as love begets love” (p. 62).

Focus on the good things in your life. That “prescription” came from Lisa Petsche, a clinical social worker, in an E-zine article. It's easy to be critical, she noted, when the world around us is pessimistic and the media focuses on disaster, failure, and discord. Proving true the saying that “misery loves company,” people join in, nurturing a negative outlook. The end result is stress that harms our physical and emotional well-being.

Some of her suggestions for nurturing a healing positive attitude:

*Limit media exposure.

*Use positive self-talk: “I can.” “I will.” “I choose.”

*Praise and encourage others.

*Humor yourself—with the newspaper comics, a hilarious sitcom, a fun book.

*Accept that some things you cannot change, but you can choose how to respond.

*Keep connected to caring people. Limit time with uncaring people and be forgiving.

*Have a “dump” place—a caring, trustworthy person or a private journal. (She didn't say so, but God's quite adept at handling our “dump times.”)

*Don't dwell on past mistakes or hurtful events.

*Do kind things for others.

*Put “quiet” into each day to nurture your spiritual life.

*Focus on positives: good relationships, the beauty of nature or art. Count blessings.(1)

If Henri Nouwen had studied her list, I'm sure he'd add this with the spiritual dimension, quoting the apostle Paul who wrote from a putrid prison: “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again, Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near” (Philippians 4:4-5).

1. http://www.simplejoy.org/positive_attitude.htm (accessed Sept. 23, 2005, no longer online)